Puzzling puzzles.

Life is a puzzle, isn't it? And to me, that's a frustrating prospect. Mostly because I hate puzzles. I just can't relate to those people who find puzzles enjoyable. How is splaying a million little jagged pieces across a table and putting them all together at all relaxing? Maybe I'm the odd one out here.

And it's crazy, because sometimes I look around and realize that everything is a puzzle. Big puzzles, small puzzles, puzzles puzzles puzzles. Even the word puzzle is a puzzle (okay, that profound idea doesn't work...but "puzzle" is a weird word, admit it). I mean, whether the puzzle is as a whole or more individual, it's still perplexing, frustrating and confusing. The whole world is a puzzle to solve, but so is one human life. There are so many things to solve and fix in the world, but there are a million things to analyze in one persons reality as well. Your past is a puzzle. So is your future--it's probably even bigger than your past puzzle.

Okay, okay. So I see some negativity here, I admit it. I guess it's hard to avoid when you really think about it, though. I mean, how are we supposed to live happily when everything seems to need solving?

Because it doesn't.

Ahhh, and here it is. My revelation that you've been waiting to read about for a few paragraphs now (I had to ease you into it somehow, did I? Bear with me). Today, I had a little thought. That little thought was more of an accident in fact, which took place during a particularly frustrating moment when something didn't turn out the way I was expecting. I was furious that it wasn't working out. Has that ever happened to you? Where when something doesn't happen the way you were expecting it just totally throws you off? It's not necessarily one of those "IF I DON'T GET MY WAY I STOMP MY FOOT AND THROW A TANTRUM" things, but just that irritation at the typical "change of plans". And it honestly just hit me like a two by four...you can't solve everything. You can't possibly know all, solve all and conquer all.

We cannot control certain things. And that has been such a lesson for me lately. Letting myself get upset when something doesn't turn out the way I want, or getting anxious and worried when I don't know what's to come is just...silly. The past is done. The future will happen the way it's meant to. So what's the problem? What's this crazy need to solve solve solve? Why can't we just be?

Because it's super freakin' hard to do that! But I think just "being" is a big answer...a big answer to be taken in little steps, but an answer nonetheless. So, although I've just rambled about how much I hate puzzles and have now told you to stop trying to solve them, maybe you can walk away with some kind of consolation. It's okay to want to know the answers, but maybe taking a step back and choosing to just be is a better alternative. It takes some courage to let go, but it's a hell of a lot better than clinging on. It's free.

Juuust right--excuse me, write.

Aaarrrg. Sooo...it's been a while.

I always promised myself I wouldn't be one of those bloggers who takes long breaks from posting and then writes long winded apology blogs explaining why they've been absent--which I promise I'm not doing. I've just found an interesting side to this little situation. And although it's easier to blame it on "drawing a blank", I've always been against writers block and I refuse to admit I've been afflicted with such an evil concept. (The words 'writer' and 'block' are not allowed to be anywhere near each other in my book...no pun intended.)

Truth is, I've found that blogging is a wonderful tool for sanity. It may sound strange and completely far-fetched, but I'm serious. Honestly, during the long drawn out days of summer when I had few responsibilities and more free time that a normal person should have, I was poppin' out a post a day. I had finally come upon the fountain of ideas and happily skipped through its clear waters of fluency and charisma. Then...poof. Gone. Unfair? Yes.

But not to worry. I've found that even if you're writing about nothing (i.e. this post), it feels good to do it anyway. And maybe, just maybe, someone will read it, laugh a little and think: Hm, maybe I'll write too. Because I can't lie, even when there's little motivation--or no motivation at all--it feels so good to hear those keys clicking and watch as an idea starts forming that you never would have thought of until you began.

So, if this post makes me a Rambling-Apologetic-Blogger, so be it. But I think I just solved my own block. (NOT writer's block. I do not have writers block.)

The answer? Just write.

Give me some purpose.

Do you ever go through those periods in your life where you just feel like you're treading water? You're not drowning, but you're definitely not swimming. You're just moving your arms and legs...still afloat...but going nowhere.

That's how I feel right now. I'm going through the motions, doing everything I need to, but that feeling of direction is weak. The feelings of improvement and accomplishment--and the prospect of a goal--are really lacking. I'm just treading water. And I'm frustrated. Partly because I've always sucked at treading water. But mostly because I'm trying so hard to stay up (because I really do want to stay up), but I just don't have enough gusto to make myself swim to the next shore.

So I'm going to go ahead and do something that I've never done before. (Mostly because I'm literally processing all of this as I type.) I'm asking for advice.

What do you do when this happens?